Another hit. The phone rang again this past week. This time, my godmother broke the news of my cousin’s passing- at only 41 years old. It caught me off guard. I had received word about my uncle’s death just a couple of weeks ago, so I thought grief would give me a break for a while.

Those grief shoes slipped on again. This time, they were nearby. My feet were still aching from the weeks before. In the five-minute conversation I had with my aunt about how my cousin had died, my memory took me back to the days of our youth. When I’d run with my cousins- Mariangel, Rafa and Eduardo, in Uncle Rafael’s backyard. I could smell the guava trees. I could feel the crushing of the gravel under my feet. Flashing memories of playing hide and seek, eating huge avocados, and lazy times swinging in hammocks (while watching cartoons)… became treasures in an instant. A rush of tears caused a knot in my throat that left me mute for a minute.

I asked for my uncle’s number, and once I reassured my godmother that I would calm down and go back to tending my kids, we ended the call.

I went mad. I stomped my feet, and really wanted to throw those grief shoes as far away as I could. How could it be that my cousin Eduardo was no longer here? It is so surreal to think of a loved one being gone. Especially not having seen them for years. They have been alive in my mind, and in my memories. How am I supposed to think of them no longer here? The immigrant shoes came out again. It is not easy to explain this feeling of not belonging here or there… of wanting to be here, but able to rush back “home” whenever I need to. My life is full of great stories that took place in Venezuela. A childhood filled with many fun family memories. Trips to Barquisimeto and Yaritagua were the highlights of my summers. These are some of the most treasured memories I have. I learned to ride a bike with my cousins; to climb trees, catch hens, and so much more.

I dreaded the call, but I made it. My uncle answered and it took him a few seconds to realize it was me. I said I was very sorry for not being able to be there with him. He graciously thanked me and started asking about my kids and how we were. Uncle Rafael can slip on compassion shoes quickly. My Aunty Coro came to the phone and said, “Dear, he is finally at peace. We cannot twist people’s destiny.” I cried with her over the phone. As a mother, I cannot imagine the pain she feels.

It is done. Another loved one gone. My memories of him are now treasures. Wearing grief shoes is so uncomfortable. They are tight and cause me aches and blisters. They make me so vulnerable; I could cry almost “on-demand” when I wear them.

The thing about grief shoes is, although they are painful- they are also a great reminder. A reminder of how much I loved my cousin, and how much I still love my family back “home”.

Grief reminds me of the capacity I have to care for my family, and to love them even when I am thousands of miles away. Grief turns memories into treasures that I do not want to let go of, because they are part of my story… part of who I am. No, I do not want to wear this pair of shoes for too long, but I do not want to get rid of them either.

I am so thankful to have a variety of shoes. I am grateful I can change them every day.
My heart still aches. Tears can flood my eyes at unexpected times, but the choice is still mine. I chose today to slip on joy shoes, and take hold of the day’s gifts.

A mild final day of January provided me with a beautiful trek in the woods with great company, and much laughter. My snowshoes carried me safely across the icy patches, while my son encouraged me to move faster!

The fresh air, my Creator’s beauty, and smiling wide for a few seconds reminded me that I have nothing to fear. This grief will run its course, and I will be choosing joy more often. Each day is a new opportunity to select a new pair of shoes. The comfort is not found in the pair that I wear, but in the Maker of all of my days.

Do Love and Shoes!

“God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He is all I’ve got left.” Lamentations 3:22-24 The Message (MSG)