The feeling of a broken heel is a distinct one. It’s more familiar to gals walking on city sidewalks, getting their shoes stuck in vents, on electric escalators or on public transit. But sometimes heels break because of a worn-out shoe or poor manufacturing or simply because we abuse them by running or jumping.
But the feeling! Sometimes it’s shame or embarrassment. Especially if you’re all dressed-up at an event. Now, if happening during the day it could be freeing as then you have the perfect reason to buy a new pair, or you may be able to repair them. However, the best scenario is when a friend saves you from embarrassment by doing one of two things: taking her shoes off and going barefoot so that you’re not alone, or lends you a pair of her shoes so that you can carry on.
That last possible scenario is a good illustration of empathy; a word I have learned a lot about in this last decade.
Empathy, in the most simple of definitions is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. According to the dictionaries I checked, empathy is derived from the Greek em-pathos, meaning “in feeling.” Like “wearing” the feelings of someone else. We try to see ourselves in another person’s shoes. We try to see from their perspective, listen to what they hear, and feel what they feel.
It seems pretty simple when we’re faced with someone who have had the same experiences as us than empathize with someone going through an experience that is foreign to us.
I have found myself there a few times.
Woman Wearing Gold Shoes with Broken Heel
It has taken an enormous amount of courage and humility to learn to be empathetic. You see, empathy is easy for me when it’s something I can relate to: grief, divorced parents, being a foreigner, having more than three kids, or being a “housewife” in the twenty first century! Or being a little round, or feeling not good enough, or not fitting the socially acceptable standard for a woman in her late 30s.
But it has not been easy when it comes to understanding: infertility, divorce, infidelity, anxiety or depression.
However, the willingness to want to care and love these people for who they are, and not because of their circumstances, has provided me with valuable lessons. It has also convicted me greatly about the many lies I have believed and entertained. It has cut down my ego severely. Here are some of the lessons I have learned so far:
1. Invisible struggles are as REAL and can be as PAINFUL as those that are seen. There are physical conditions that can severely affect a person, yet go unnoticed.
2. I am a little responsible for the intolerance these fellow gals have faced. Why? Because instead of having the courage to ask with love about their condition or circumstances, I have made the decision or assumption, and OUT OF FEAR, that they don’t want to talk. Or I don’t want to get involved.
3. Ignorance is a great cop-out. Telling myself that I don’t know anything so I cannot help or understand is a lie. Not an excuse. A lie. Most times these people would explain how they feel, if I’d be humble enough to listen. I may still not understand it fully, but at least I get a truer picture of what they’ve experienced. This is key to showing empathy.
4. Circumstances do not define a person. Sometimes their struggle may be a consequence of their decisions. However, judgement is not an aid to someone who is struggling. If I want to care for and love others I first need to see things the way they do. Empathy can lead to support and help but none of this prospers without trust.
5. Some struggles are not self-inflicted. We are obsessed with finding a reason for everything. Sometimes that reason exists, but it is not easily explained. It may be a chemical imbalance for some mental health conditions, sometimes the result of trauma. Other times, it is the makeup of a person and he/she is just trying to cope with it.
6. Being a die-hard-optimist like me is not what some want to hear. At times some of these loved ones only want me to listen with my mouth shut. Other times they just needed me to pray for them and with them. And sometimes, only a hug was required.
7. Perspective is not easy to understand or explain. It is a view that is formed by what we feel, think, and believe. I wish it could be as easy as putting on a pair of glasses or shoes.
8. Empathy is worth developing. It is a primary skill if we want to be emotionally intelligent, and have healthier relationships. Who doesn’t want that?!
As I said before, I am still learning. The process at times has been grueling because I am “a fixer “ and I want to take away the things my loved ones have had to face, or are facing. So far the greatest lesson is the constant reminder that my Creator is Sovereign. He Knows and Loves each of these people deeply. I cannot understand fully why things happen. My only option is to love them the best I can.
I know some brave gals with broken heels that will join us with guest posts over the next few months. I think it’s valuable to listen to those wearing different shoes to gain a better understanding and develop greater empathy.
If you have a broken heel that you want to share, message me! It can be anonymous if you prefer.
In the meantime, take courage and practice empathy every day, it is a way of love.
Do Love and Shoes!
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)