It is May! After a long dreadful winter and a wet and sappy spring, the sun and temperatures are finally warmer. But that turning of my stomach has also reappeared. May never fails to remind me that my mom is no longer here to celebrate. But this year, as I cried alone in my car, I kept asking myself how could I honor her memory in a way that is tangible? How can I encourage mothers to be fierce, confident, or a great friend like she was? Slip into her shoes perhaps.
Motherhood is something that has evolved. It is no longer the ability to birth a child or raise one. Today, motherhood is this conglomerate of expectations that society has of mothers, plus what mothers put on themselves. Those that “stay-at-home” feel obligated to be the perfect housewife, friend, volunteer, baker, taxi driver and be fit, elegant, educated, savvy shoppers, romantic and produce “near perfect” little humans. On the other hand, mothers who pursue a career need to handle almost all of the previous tasks, while also keeping current with their profession, attend every school event/game, be mentally stable, advance women’s equality at work, “look the part,” be mentor to fellow colleagues, and whatever else society makes them believe is expected of them.
Crazy!!!
However, not as crazy as this perverted division among both groups. Some are very vocal about it:” I could not be a stay-at-home mom! I would go crazy!” While the “crazy” muster: “I don’t want a stranger to raise my children”. Or the microaggressions that sound like: “It must be nice to be able to stay home.” Or, “You can afford that because you work, I give priceless time to my child.” OUCH!!!!!!
WHAT IF we would switch shoes? What if we see each other as a fellow mom: who’s trying to do her best, while juggling all the hats? Perhaps…what if we DO something about it? I cringe every time I hear the microaggression or the full fledged tearing down. I have found myself rolling my eyes or walking away in disgust…hopeless.
So this year for Mother’s Day I thought it would be cool if we MOMS, could start treating each other as fellow humans and purposefully encourage and cheer each other on in this amazing, demanding and down-right “crazy at times” journey of raising humans.
I created two lists of suggestions, one for each group. (I know! Is not the purpose to unite us? Yes! I hope in the cheering and encouraging this will happen)
For the Work “CEO” moms:
1. Validate the mom that stays home. Her job never ends. She struggles with identity at times and longs to be seen past the “mom” hat. Something simple like, “Hey Carol! I really appreciate your ideas and work for the parents committee. You are creative and resourceful.” Remember her choice of staying home is not a dismissal of her rights or a forfeit of her brain. It is a valid choice too.
2. Step up for her when other moms or women tear her down. You may lead different lifestyles, but you can be an ally.
3. Share your perks if you can. Got extra tickets for the movie, invite her. Got a 2×1 mani deal, offer it to her. Found a steal on a great skin product, ask for an extra sample and gift it to her. Have extra points for the coffee shop, get her a gift card. Generosity is a great gift in itself!
4. If she is a coach or volunteer, cheer her organization and support the fundraisers.
5. Give yourself the chance to meet closely at least one of them. Ask them what do they dream of, what challenges them? I can guarantee you it will give you great perspective, and a chance to build a fruitful relationship.
6. Find common ground. Remember you are both trying your best to mother children with the same hope of them becoming great humans. Bear in mind, maybe kids are not the common ground, maybe it is art, music, bargain shopping, church, etc. whatever it is, FIND it!
7. Be you! I am confident each of you has amazing skills that can be shared. Each has a story that is worth discovered and celebrated.
For the House “CEO” moms:
1. Validate the “working” mom. Her choice of pursuing a career is equally valid to yours of staying at home as the main caregiver. Ask her about her job, celebrate her achievements.
2. Step up for her when the “club” gets on the criticizing rant. Remind the critics these gals work hard too. They contribute to society in a way that benefits everyone, not only through taxes, but making women’s voices heard and the ideas and needs put forward. They are teachers, nurses, doctors, bio-technicians, pharmacists, social workers, engineers, support personnel, policy makers, etc. Be an ally.
3. Be generous with your skills: bake a double batch of cookies and gift one, make an extra recipe of your amazing dish and bring it to her so supper is “taken care of” for a day. If you find a good deal on sport stuff that both of your children need, share the tip! She would appreciate it. Again, generosity is a great GIFT!
4. If she asks for help, help her! She is still human and at times she cannot be at every game or school function. Offer to take “her turn” occasionally. Or drive her kids, we all have extra room most times.
5. Give yourself the chance to meet closely, at least one of them. Ask them what do they dream of, what challenges them? I can guarantee you it will give you great perspective and a chance to build a fruitful relationship.
6. Find common ground. Remember you are both trying your best to mother children with the same hope of them becoming great humans. Bear in mind, maybe kids are not the common ground, maybe it is art, music, bargain shopping, church, etc. whatever it is, FIND it!
7. Be you! I am confident each of you has amazing skills that can be shared. Each has a story that is worth discovered and celebrated.
Yes! The last 3 are the same. Simply because we are not that much different at the core. And number 3 is not about stereotyping anyone, it is about the power of generosity. I refuse whole heartily to be part of this division. This is something I feel passionate about it! Moms! We are being watched by fellow women who dream of becoming a mom…they may wonder at times, really?!! On top of all the other stuff, will I have to be subjected to this too?
To me this is like racism, classism, ageism, or whatever other “ism.” A destructive pattern to create division.
Wear her shoes. See the fellow mom! Celebrate her! Cheer her on! Find the common ground that hold us all and walk on it with respect, confidence and joy.
I dream of my daughters becoming mothers in a society where they are cherished along their journey. One where they can walk together with an army of women that support each other.
Go on and slip on your fave pair of shoes, BE the best Mom you can BE and cheer at least ONE that is different from you. It will be all gains, I promise!
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who influence and shape the very future of our world. Nothing less.
Do love and shoes!
“Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that’s your job, to bless. You’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:8-9 (MSG)