It has been a long pause around here. I discovered that my shoes were too tight, so I needed to rest my blistered feet. It’s not always an easy fix. Sometimes a simple Band-aid or even dramatically throwing out the shoes, and replacing them with new ones…aren’t the best solutions.
Nevertheless, now that my blisters are healing, and my skin is renewing, I can share what has happened and how I am moving onto better paths.
Have you ever outgrown your shoes? Or bought shoes that were a little tight under the promise of a salesperson claiming the shoes would stretch a little? I have. Sigh. After four pregnancies my shoe size grew, and although genuine leather shoes do stretch, sometimes not as much as I have been told.
The shoe analogy is just an easier way for me to begin sharing about the knots I have discovered in my mind and soul. Grief knocked me down once again this past summer and I have uncovered some bruises I thought had healed. Grief is weird like that! It assaults me when I don’t expect it, and though I know how to cope, at times it seems overwhelming.
Just like the shoes that were a little snug (that I convince myself I can make work), so is the grief that I don’t process properly. Instead I try to box it up and hide it away. We carry on till the blisters burst and we are left raw.
Grief is not only about the loss of people we love, or of a dream that does not come true. It is also the loss of what was, and now has changed. Every time we start something new, we grief the former circumstances or places or people.
But what happens when I grief myself? What I mean is this pain of no longer being who I thought I was. When I realize I have changed or have adjusted myself to please others or to “keep the peace.” When I have squeezed myself into a pair of shoes that do not fit me. This “knot” was exposed while processing the pain of a miscarriage, and taking a hard look at my dreams, my reality, and who I am now.
I discovered the blisters of compromising my dreams, the pain of admitting playing into the games of manipulation of those relationships I felt I had to manage well. Facing the reality of having allowed myself to go from a happy and encouraging person to one that battles defeating thoughts and feels like walking on eggshells at times.
Yikes!!!
I cried many days when I realized I had let myself go for the sake of being nice and accepted.
But my Creator whispered long enough to remind me I am enough and complete in Him. He still sees me joyful and His love has not changed regardless of my shortcomings. The grief this time required visits to a counsellor. At her office, I cried half of my first two visits. It was like I needed a free place to cry and admit I felt so squeezed and spent. The counsellor encouraged me to spend time with feeling these emotions, not judge them. It has been harder than I thought but so very freeing.
It’s not all about emotions and tears. I have also spent time soaking up on the Truth that directs my life — God’s words. The hardest part has been sharing this grief, and reaching out to my closest people, disclosing my struggle with missing my family, of feeling out of place because of my immigrant label, and lacking courage to set proper boundaries in some important relationships. I had believed the lie these were not important things because from the outside I have managed to look “great.”
Today I don’t want to look great or squeeze into tight shoes. I am holding to the coping skills of “cheering” myself on before going the extra ten miles for others. Spending time regularly in the quiet, in nature, and in deep conversations with my Creator. Laughing out loud or being plain sappy with my life-giving sisters and feeling every tear I shed. Whether the tear is because I miss my mom, the babies that were not born, or my homeland Venezuela. I take a deep breath and give Thanks because each tear is a bit of extra love I could not give. If the tears are a sign of frustration, then I check on what or where I compromised myself and tried to squeeze me into something not meant for me.
Sounds easy? Not at all. But it is foolish trying to walk with blisters when I can walk longer in well fitted shoes!
Grief will always be part of my make up because it has allowed me to be who I am meant to be. I may cry for a bit some days, but I can smile wide and laugh out loud just minutes after. Grief has shown me heartache and joy can exist together; this does not make me crazy but simply human.
So, my friends, let me encourage you to check your shoes often. Let go of the shoes that are too small and tight. This may require you to reach out to your safe people and be humble to share your struggles. It may require you to ask for help, prayers, and even accountability. But this is freeing– I promise!
Do Love and Shoes!
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 (NIV)