Have you ever put on two shoes of the same foot? Or two different sizes? Or maybe two different styles? If you have not, let me invite you to go and try.

It’s a weird feeling to purposely put on mismatched shoes. It’s awkward. Even uncomfortable at first. But somehow, I can stand in these shoes. After a few steps, my mind adjusts to appreciate that I can still stand (provided I’m not wearing one stiletto and one croc). Better yet, I can walk, and even climb stairs. It’s cumbersome for sure, but I am still able to maneuver in order to walk and move. This is the best analogy I can come up with to describe what I have been feeling during the past weeks as I isolate with my crew.

I believe most people are trying to do the same. Move forward amidst the awkwardness of our current circumstances. I totally agree staying home is the safest strategy to control this pandemic. I will be forever grateful to each person that steps outside wearing their “normal” shoes, so that the rest of us can be fed, looked after medically, and making the economy sustainable enough to support us all.

Back to my mismatched footwear. Over the past few weeks, I have had to constantly focus my mind on the truth that I am still standing. There are days when balance seems easier and I am able to grasp and pursue this growth mindset. But there are other days when all that I can see is how wrong wearing two different shoes can be. I go on rampant litanies about who I miss, what I did not do, and how long it may be until I get to hug my dear family that lives abroad. Countless tears followed.

Some days it feels as though I am perfectly styled for the day and can focus on all the beauty and goodness that still abounds in my life, and in this world. Maybe it’s an encouraging text from a friend or a bright sunny day with birds chirping. Some days it’s a long talk with my husband and tight hugs from my children.

Every day is this mismatch of joy being safe and healthy, and yet grief for what I thought would happen. I had a new job opportunity, planned birthday parties, and a trip abroad with my daughter to visit family…I have even grieved for an upcoming sofa hunt with my family.

I know it is all silly, when I contrast it to the real grief of those not even able to bury their loved ones taken by this virus. This seems the most cruel in all of this- people grieving alone.

However, it is well known that grief left unprocessed will bring new hurt, fear, and loss.

I am managing this mismatch of joy and grief by focusing on that which is unchangeable and unshakable. For me, this source of Hope is found in my Creator and in Scripture. The data presented in the Bible reassures me of a God who knows heartbreak and grief closely. I take comfort in the Psalms written by David, who one minute seems in despair, but the next leaps for joy. Crazy? Yes! And totally real and relatable- perhaps human.

It always circles back to perspective and humility for me. With the glasses of perspective, I can see the provision beyond my needs. I have shoes to wear (even if mismatched), food to eat, a roof over my head, people I love close, and access to technology to keep “connected.”

Humility hits me when I gain peace after letting go of all that I can not control. The more I surrender my worries to my Creator, the news, the what ifs, could haves or would haves, and choose to intentionally live in this moment the more balanced my walk becomes. It lasts about two seconds, then I cycle back to surrender.

The greatest opportunity for me while walking in these shoes has been deepening the most important relationships in my life. First with my Creator, giving me plenty of room to read, study (alone, and virtually with a loving group of humans)  and pray. And then with my husband and children. Time, quality and fully present time, with each of them triumphs any gift.

Once I focused and shifted my mind to see this season as part of a growing process, I could almost hop in my mismatched footwear! Life is not at a standstill. Life goes on. Every new sunrise shouts it at me. It is a promise given by my Creator and found several times in the scriptures—our perfect and unshakable path Maker.

But the choice is mine. I have to surrender to regain balance several times a day.

So if you are reading…go on! Slip on the shoes, mismatched and all, and DO love!

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2 NIV

Ps.This verse (provided by my editor!) reminds me:

a. to not conform: do not believe all the world is shouting at you. Take what is true and let go of the rest.

b. Renew my mind: with the unchangeable truth found in the bible, given by the Maker.

c. Then…: this word reminds me I HAVE to make these choices. Hence the cycle of continual surrender to gain balance.