These shoes may represent some of my emotions, imagine wearing them all at once.

This is a weird season. It reminds me of surfers who try to balance waves, speed, wind and look posed. There is this constant mix of emotions such as grief, joy, victory, sadness, apathy, disengagement, anxiousness, elation, and excitement—all at once. A close friend asked me a little while ago, “who do you trust?” as news of the second wave of COVID-19 started taking over the headlines on every screen we laid sight on.

The question stopped me in my tracks for a few seconds. In my mind I answered, God! Jesus! That’s the only Person I can trust. The only Person I choose to trust. The Person I choose to walk with.

This friend and I, we don’t share the same faith–yet, we face the same reality. We try to make decisions based on measured risk. We live in a world where politicians and authorities make decisions that affect our lives and even guide our very moves. We try to make sense of this life.

I have tried to “hold it together” for a while now.

Until I cried while eating my cereal before bedtime. I shrugged it off to feeling emotional about aging. My birthday was this past weekend.

Crying spells. Irritability. Constant self-regulation of my emotions. Overuse of coping skills: walks, breathing exercises, meditation, more exercise, listening to every great podcast my friends suggest, wine, serving, encouraging, holding space for others…and yes time with my nose in the Bible and praying.

I keep telling myself, and have proclaimed to my safe people, almost in a hopeless tone: “I am doing ALL I can do!”

Yet, I tear up while eating my cereal. I cry after a beautiful conversation with my dad, and after a long and overdue videocall with dear friends from back home.

I know I am incredibly lucky. Blessed! Believe me! I have counted thousands of ways my Creator has blessed me and keeps blessing me.

My heart is restless.
My mind wanders to the anxiousness of what Ifs.
Uncertainty tortures me.
Isolation can leave me deaf with ugly lies of disconnection and unworthiness.

In some ways I feel like the fashion models on the runway who are constantly running between the platform and backstage. They seem focused and fierce as they strut their combos, but once in the back, they start stripping off layers and quickly morph into the next creation. They run between racks of merchandise scrambling for their accessories, trying not to put off the producer, and lose their job.

I have also sat quietly if that is what you may offer as a solution. It is not easy, but I do it.
I have regular sessions with a counsellor, an excellent tribe of safe people, and a loving family.

So, what’s happening to me? To many of us? I am not certain of many things, but I know I am not alone in this.
So far, all I can come up with is that I am still grieving the “normal world” pre-pandemic. I am still at times fighting hard to go back in time to February 2020.

Grief is a process that is not lineal. It is messy. There is supposed to be a time in such process that we find “meaning” and this grief turns into a lesson or a win of sorts.
That has not happened for me yet.

Humans are equipped with a vast range of emotions. Learning to recognize them is life changing.

Have I learned anything this past year? Have I grown? Absolutely. I have a higher level of self-awareness. I can manage and regulate my emotions well, most of the time. I have created margin in areas of my life I never could. I am closer to my Creator.

But meaning? Not sure.

These waves of what seems, and endless grief have cemented one truth I would have not grasped deeply before. My Creator is unchangeable. This Person I call God, Jesus, the Trinity, remains the same, regardless of what goes on in this world or what little or big sense I make of it.

This is the truth that can settle my mind when I wake up in the middle of the night. This is the whisper I hear when I dwell in the uncertainty of not knowing when I will hug again my family who lives abroad.

This is the truth that repeats itself in many of my Bible readings.

In the very Word: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.” (John 1:1-5)
And then is the “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.” (Revelation 22:13)

These are the traits of My Creator that carry me through this season. He is Unchangeable, Omnipresent, Almighty.
When I reflect on this, the grief subsides. I feel safe.

Before, I had struggled with my identity and even purpose. Now, I am concerned with knowing deeply to Whom I belong. Is that not what we all long for in this life: to belong?

Maybe the win in this grief is truly grasping that My God, My Jesus—He is Worthy. And I belong to Him.

While I keep running toward my win, I will keep surfing the emotions and the grief, never stopping to #dolove.

Do Love and shoes!