Blogger note: The following is a guest post from my dear friend Blue Butterfly. She has graciously agreed to share a bit of her path. Though she has decided to “pick a name,” this is a true account. One that is shared by many women around each of us. May this enlight you and challenge you to grow more empathy. 

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When Mariela asked me to write a guest blog, I wasn’t sure what to share with you. She said to think about what I’ve learned through my experience, but I guess you’d need to know a little about my experience to understand what I’ve learned.

IVF – the rollercoaster that never ends.

As a child, I played with dolls and I also played at being a woman with a career, a husband and children. Fast forward a few years and I have a husband, a career but no children. Not for lack of trying of course. Among the reasons, nature doesn’t seem to be on our side. After exhausting other methods, we tried IVF and thought that it would be a piece of cake. After all, women on TV and films get pregnant like that all the time. Well, no. It’s not that easy and science is still figuring out things, nobody can give you certainty that treatment will work. On top of this, I lost all control over my body and emotions, with doctors and nurses poking me, taking all sorts of vitamins and injecting hormones day and night to help my body. It’s a process that is emotionally draining and at times made me think I was going crazy. I have to be super-duper cheerful when going through the treatment, but at the same time trying to be realistic, because otherwise the fall is too high to bear if things don’t work.

After more than five years trying, one miscarriage, and one ectopic pregnancy and many negative results, I seriously thought I was losing my mind. Friends and family try their best to help, but it is hard because they don’t understand what’s like. I felt so alone and misunderstood, had no interest in work, my husband, my family and my life in general. The emotional pain was so excruciating, I just wanted to be numb and not go outside my house, my bed.

This was a turning point throughout treatment. I’ve had my ups and downs with God. I have been praying for the treatment to work, for help if it doesn’t, but now I was asking for more than that. I just wanted, needed for God to take my pain away.

This journey has taught me so far:

The power of prayer is real – my prayers are heard. I met with an IVF counsellor, and she not only understood exactly how I felt without me telling her, she also explained to me how to cope with how I feel. You can’t imagine the relief I felt. I cried and didn’t feel alone anymore. I finally understood what was happening to me at an emotional level. I also now have a way to explain to others how I feel in a way they can understand and learn about coping mechanisms I can use.

Here is a summary of what the IVF counsellor said to me, as I hope it can help you understand others who might be going through infertility:

• People going through IVF are under extreme stress, only comparable to those who have a life threatening disease.
• They are in constant grief for a child they don’t know.
• Normal cognitive based therapy doesn’t work as this doesn’t deal with the highs and lows, and opposite emotions they feel at times. Dialectical behaviour therapy is recommended, which is the same type of therapy used to help people with bi-polar issues

Empathy and tolerance – it has helped me to be more empathetic and tolerant with others. I find myself less judgemental, as sometimes people can act out and we don’t know why. It made me aware that many people suffer in silence and we only see the exterior thinking that is all there is. So now when someone is bitter, rude or impatient with me, I try to not let it affect me and think that they might be going through something in their lives. I now ask God to bless them.

God and control – I’m a planner and very organized, so loss of control is a big problem for me. With IVF the result is completely out of my control. All I can do is do my part (treatment, eat healthy, pray etc) and have faith in God to do what’s best for me. Letting go is very difficult to do. It constantly tests my faith. However, in a strange way it has brought me closer to God. It had helped me appreciate life even more and to stop worrying about things I have no control over.

Guilt and kindness – I felt guilty many times for not having children when I was younger, for wanting it all: career, marriage and family, while ignoring biology. Feeling guilty for the decisions I made earlier is not going to change the fact I’m not a mom yet. I’ve learned to be kind to myself and shut down thoughts and feelings that bring me down. It’s a habit which I’m still working on, using meditation, prayer and being thankful to God for all he gives me.

Here is a prayer I often turn to and a link that will give you a bit more of information about infertility etiquette.

Like Mariela would say: Do Love and Shoes!

Blue butterfly.

Peace Prayer of Saint Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.

http://www.resolve.org/support/for-family–friends/infertility-etiquette.html